Checking in

    There hasn't been a lot to post about that is any different from the other posts. Still working on schedules, birthdays are coming, and holidays scare me.

    Aiden is going to be six in two weeks and that makes my heart sad. He is my only little guy an is probably the most loving out of the bunch. I only have a few more years to enjoy his innocent heart. 

    Holidays terrify me. Between my husband and me, there are so much family and gatherings we are supposed to be attending. The last two years we have kinda canceled Christmas with local family and drove to meet my traveling dad in random cities. That was a lot of fun. My husband still says our Christmas in a hotel in Oakland was one of his favorite ever. This year we are stick to the same old stuff, I think. Thanksgiving will be a treat though. My dad and other mom will be here! I am so excited about this. Now, the dilemma is to decorate or not. Usually I am not one for decor or anything, it's hard enough to get me to put up pictures on the wall. Hopefully I will get a small urge to make the house "Fall Cozy", but only time will tell. If I do, there will be pictures!  

    Here is to hoping things go smoothly and that I don't pull out my hair by New Years. 

    

Tuesday's Resting Hour

    On Tuesdays I have about and hour completely to myself. Cambria now goes to a grandparents on Tuesdays when the hubby goes to work. It really helps a lot while I juggle picking up from band, taking to soccer, and Cub Scout meetings. Any of you reading that have the blessing of four children know that if you are missing just one it is a completely different dynamic. So, before I go pick up the others from school, I have a chance to catch up :)
    Last week was very hectic. Monday started lovely, I was even thinking that I might have to whole day to relax and do nothing but basic mommy duties. Then I got the call from school just 30 minutes before they were supposed to get out. My little guy was injured. Someone dropped a rock(small boulder) on his finger. The momma bear in me wanted to go find that boy and drop a rock on him! Aiden is one of the most gentle loving kids I know, and it broke my heart to see him in so much pain. We spent the evening in the hospital getting X-rays and getting his pinky cleaned and wrapped. Not broken, but the whole nail was popped off. He is doing ok now, "just hurts a little" he says. 

    Tuesday was the normal, cub scouts and soccer. Desi had a game instead of practice and they won 4-0. (Saturday we won 6-1) It's a great team this year! 

Thursday the girls had a dentist appointment and we found out Aliyah had chipped a tooth and needed a root canal... But as they numbed her as much as they possibly could, she was still feeling it and they realized it was to infected. So by the time we were done there and done filling prescriptions and done visiting with my mom, I was just done. Friday was normal soccer and Saturday we went to the fair! The fair was fun, the kids all enjoyed it and as we were walking a lady stopped us and asked if she could give the kids free tickets to the concert there that night. So, the kids got to see Zendaya, who was on dancing with the stars and  is on Shake it Up, a show the kids love! 

    Busy as always, delightful none the less. 

      So I leave you with a few tips

• Always carry your kids medical cards with you (or at least the number)
• Carry first aid kit (with gauze)
• If you need help with other children, ASK!
• Keep snacks in your car
• Accept that a well planned week may blow up in your face at any given time
• Relax and enjoy the ride

What's direction?!

    Another few weeks go by.... Well, we have had two birthdays since I was on last. Aliyah turned eight and I turned twenty-eight. It was good birthday fun all around. I remember a time where my birthday was important or a big deal to me, but it just really isn't anymore. Aliyah's is two days after so hers takes precedence. 

We had a lovely time this weekend, soccer and Disneyland on Saturday, little get together on Sunday. 
    Soccer was great! 

Desi's team, the Ding-Dongs, won their first game 7-1! Desi made one goal and assisted with three others. She is so happy to be doing what she loves again! Desi has also joined bad this year and will be playing trumpet. Her schedule is filling up quickly, Mon-Fri she has school 8am-2pm; Tue- band 2:15-3:30pm, Soccer 5:30-6:30pm; Thur- band 8:15-9:30am, Chess Club 2:05-3:30pm; Fri- Soccer 5:30-6:30. Then to top it off we have games every Saturday. Busy Desi, busy mom. With Aliyah and Aiden we have Cub Scouts most Tuesdays 6:00-7:00pm, Student Leadership Wednesdays 2:00-3:00pm, and Art class on Saturday mornings 10:20-11:00am.
    Yes, I am exhausted. I have close to no energy, but the kids are happy and that makes me happy. Hopefully they all stick with what they have chosen to do, but only time will tell. I am going to make an effort to have more informative posts. What are things YOU want to know about? What do YOU as readers want hear? I would love feedback and maybe point this blog in a direction! Thanks for reading!!

Raising Girls

    I am no expert, yet, but raising girls is not for the faint of heart. There are many people that have told me that they would rather raise boys than girls because of the emotional stress. Personally, I would rather be emotionally strong than physically.
    My son is a great joy in my life. He is a momma's boy through and through. I absolutely love the hugs and kisses and general concern that comes from him. On the other hand, he is extremely physically exhausting. He needs things done now rather than later and is constantly messy. I love him so much but am glad that I only had one boy.
    The ladies in my life are another story. Each one is very different but so similar in ways. They are emotional, moody, and at times very self conscious. Building these girls into women is a heavy task. I have to be conscious of every word I say or follow. The way I represent myself is a example to them everyday.
    My oldest is coming into the age of puberty and this frightens me. I did not have a really active example in my life at this time in my life. I am trying to make it smooth and comfortable for her. So far, things have been easy. She is an AMAZING young lady. There are a few things I see that I need to work on with her. The main thing is body image. I see her being uncomfortable with her body, and it reminds me so much of how I felt at that age, though totally different aspects. When I was in fifth grade, I was a little chunkier than some of the girls and I had B cup breasts. I was always unhappy. Desi on the other hand in always one of the oldest and usually four to six inches shorter than everyone any is super skinny with an athletic build. Luckily she is really sporty any is starting to appreciate her build. I have to try and make sure she knows how amazing she is!
    My middle girl is stuck in the middle of trying to catch up with the older one and holding on to her silliness. She has got a much softer heart and sometimes it scares me to see how eager she is to make everyone else happy. How do I build self assurance and strength in her without hardening her heart? I want her to know how amazing she is on her own. I don't want her to rely on others to make her feel self worth.

    My baby is wild. She is only two but is definitely going to give me a run for my money. She is snappy, witty, emotional at times, honestly she is the teenager. Hopefully I can help calm her wild heart and occupy her curious nature.

    Whether it's eye rolling or snappy remarks, there are tests everyday for me. Testing my ability to shape these young women. I know as they get older they will make their own choices and move their lives in the direction they choose. My wish is that my girls will have the independence they need, the heart to love others unconditionally, the strength to endure life's hardest times, and a thirst for knowledge.
 

Routine

    Summer is over! School has started and the hubby's vacation is over. Hopefully the routine of being a stay at home mom will creep up gently. I am very much looking forward to routine again. This is also the first time in eight years that I will only have one child most of the day, which scares me. I am not sure what I will do with myself. Mornings will be quiet, evenings and weekend should be pretty busy. We will have soccer, art class, chess club, and Boy Scouts, we will be busy indeed. 
    We didn't do as much as we usually do this summer, but we did have a lot of trips to Disneyland! 

The kids started school this last week and I couldn't be happier with their teachers. Desi is in the highest fifth grade class and loves her teacher. He has always taught fifth grade and seems to know how to get them to challenge themselves. Desi has also joined chess club which, on top of soccer three days a week, will keep her very occupied. Aliyah did so well last year that she was placed in a third/fourth combo class and she loves it! My little man, Aiden, started off in an average first grade class but was moved the next day to a first/second grade class. He loves the challenge and his teacher.

I am such a proud mommy! Hopefully the kiddos enthusiasm for education sticks with them. Now that the older three are in school from 8am till 2pm, I will probably be able to stick to the blog a little better. Here's to hoping! 

Friendships

Another two weeks go by... Well there isn't a lot of exciting things going on right now. At first that was great, I really thought that I needed a calm few weeks before school starts again (21 more days). But honestly I am going crazy! Sure we have made a few visits to Disneyland, but other then that there has been nothing. My kids don't seem to mind nearly as much as I do. Today, ALL four of my kiddos are gone and I am a little stir crazy. Hopefully going out to dinner with one of my closest friends will get me out of this funk. This Saturday I am going to a girls lunch thing with some of my oldest friends. It usually last all day and most of the night, so I am really looking forward to that time with other adult women.

For me, friendships have been hard to maintain. Ever since I was young I have had a hard time opening up to people and letting my guard down. There was always something that I was hiding from everyone, mostly my mother. Almost all my friends in grade school had stable families and mine wasn't like that. I was embarrassed. As I got a little older I became even more guarded. Then being a pregnant teen, I lost most of the people I thought were close friends. There are a few girls that I still talk to from that part in my life and I cherish each one of them. After having Desi I moved out of state and had no one really. Quickly there were all these girls that accepted me with all my faults. The friends I mad while I was living in Oregon are some of my most valued. We don't talk very often, but I truly believe that those women would do anything for me and I the same for them. Ladies, you know who you are :)

Now that I have been back here for quite some time and my marriage is in a super steady place, I have found the need for close friend relationships like the ones you see in the TV shows.... I have Rachel, my oldest closest friend. We went to Kindergarten together then met again in 6th grade. We weren't best friends right off the bat but quickly that changed. High school years were a little hard for us cause we were so wrapped up in boyfriends and such. But when she became pregnant a few months after me our relationship took a turn for the unbreakable kind. We are so different but yet so similar. I am glad to call her my best friend and my sister. Vero, is my other bestie. She keeps me young and gives me the satisfaction of being the "older sister".

She is actually my ex's baby sister. It took awhile for us to become the way we are now (probably because of the age gap) but I don't know what I would do without her. She is also the Godmother to ALL four of the kiddos.

This Saturday ladies lunch will hopefully continue so that I can build a better relationship with these woman that I was friends with in grade school.  The sense of camaraderie is something that I look forward to!

Well have a good weekend, and remember to love and cherish those you are close to!!

A needed calm

It has been almost two weeks since I posted last! Oops! There has been quite a bit going on lately, I guess. Baby showers, weddings, soccer tournaments, holidays, a bit of sickness. Things are much calmer now but for me it is a bit antagonizing. I am so used to the busyness that when I finally do come to a halt, it hits hard. Yesterday and today have not had any major accomplishments. Food was made, kids were bathed, some laundry was done.... but that's about it. No deep cleaning or mopping of floors or art projects. The living room and I are best friends at the moment while I am still trying to fight off this head/chest cold that has been haunting me for the last week. My mind has been racing with thing I need to do but my body has won that disagreement. I need to stop and rest, I know that, but it's so hard.
School starts again in 35 days. I will have a 5th, 3rd, and 1st grader in school from 8:00 am until 2:00 pm. It is great that they will all be there the same times and I won't have to be running back and forth like I did while I had one in Kinder. I am happy for the school year to start, not because I want to kids to leave, but because they enjoy it so much. They love having their separate friends and the chance to be individuals, which is hard here at home for them. There are a few things I am a little worried/sad about when school starts. One, Cambria, she is going to have a hard time with her siblings being gone all morning. I am sure she will come to appreciate the alone time with mommy and with the toys she wants to play with. Second, Desi, this is her last year of elementary school.
This time next year I will be getting my little girl ready for middle school. I don't know if I am ready for that! I remember the challenges that middle school brought and I am worried I won't be enough to help her when some of those challenges arise. Boys, clothes, mean girls.... ugh. Not looking forward to it at all. All the preteen things that we are already dealing with are just the tip of the iceberg. Luckily, she is an awesome kid with no serious attitude problems. Other than getting a little emotional and a slight raising of her voice with certain subjects, we see eye to eye and work out any discrepancies calmly and quietly. I love her to death and couldn't have been blessed with a more perfect first child. Sometimes I think she has made it to easy for me.
So, here is to the next 35 days. Hopefully this calm time will be good for everyone. I believe we all kind of need it.

Blah

Blah, blah, blah.... That about sums up my last few weeks. There has been a lot going on and I feel the tension and stress building up. There are things I do to try and relieve some it like watching a favorite movie, reading, talking with friends, wine..... or writing about it. I have always kept diaries and journals. Writing has always been a release for me. Blogging has been my newest diary, I can put my feelings and worries out there and sometimes get feedback on what to do. Lately it feels as though my ability to vent has been compromised. And it's not just one person that feels what I write or post on other social media outlets is about them. I believe that a lot of it is due to the quality of our relationships with each other. 
Relationships will vary with everyone, that is guaranteed, but what do you do about ones that will never work? Egos get in the way, feeling get hurt, people overreact. IT HAPPENS! Sometimes the relationship even turns toxic, I try to keep my distance from those. My mother and I had a very toxic relationship for a long time, and some of the damage that happened is irreversible. There will always be trust issues. The damage in some of my other relationships is also very irreversible. The best we can do is suck it up and deal with it one day at a time. 
I am not going to change who I am or the things that I believe in. I have been through too much in my life to be put down and muzzled. I am sorry for the way others end up involved but I will not apol
ogize for my feelings.  Hopefully one day there will be a way for all of us to deal with these situations at hand. I can only pray.

Co-Parenting

It has been a few days since my last post, mostly because I received a little heat for the topic. Oh well, move on. This post isn't nearly as angry, I promise. 
Co-Parenting is something I deal with everyday. My oldest two kiddos were fathered by my "high school sweetheart". We were super young and dumb but we made this work. Since the day I found out I was pregnant with my oldest, her dad has been pretty much all in. He was a great dad while we were together and made amazing efforts when we decided we didn't work well as a couple. When our second daughter was born things were a little more complicated but he still put in a strong effort to be a part of their lives. For the last 7 years he has had the girls three weekends a month and pays child support without a problem. We get along and for the most part have no problems between us.
Now I can not sit here and say things are all roses and sunshine. We have had a good amount of arguments or disagreements. All I can do is offer the little bit of of information on how we make our relationship work.

• Don't talk badly about the other parent in front of your children. This confuses them and makes them feel like they have to pick a side. They should be able to turn to both of you and feel that no matter who they turn to things will be alright.
• Try and agree on some rules for both houses. If your co-parent doesn't allow sodas then try to do the same at your house. This provides a sense of unity and stability in an otherwise chaotic situation.
• Talk to each other. Tell your co-parent about highlights from the week and exciting things that happened at school. Make sure they are aware of school events they can attend. 
• Do not fight in front of the kids! Save it for another time. Meet up for lunch or coffee or make your frustrated phone calls after the little ones are in bed. If they are around the fighting they will feel pulled in two. They will start to feel as if they are the reason that you two are fighting. Don't do that to your babies.

There are plenty of little things you two will have to work out, little kinks that only you two will have. For the sake of your children try to put away the emotional turmoil that has been built between you. Everyone's situation is different and I am not saying it is going to be easy. But try, try for your children to be friends with their other parent. The only ones who truly suffer from a bad co-parenting relationship are the children. Try to make it work in the best way possible for all off you. 

Favorites

   No matter how old you are or where you are in life, there will always be people choosing favorites. Whether it is food, clothes, or even people. It is part of being an individual to be able to choose something you like better than another. But is there any time where favorites shouldn't be allowed? Most parents would say "Yes", that you can not choose a favorite child. I think that is not necessarily the case. I believe that parent love all their children the same but tend to maybe connect with one better than the others. I also believe that whoever a parent connects with better can change on a day to day basis. As parents we learn how to spread our love equally to all of our children. 

   What about when others favor one of your children more than the others. Spoil one more, ask to take the one places with them, generally treat them better than the others. Easy, don't let the one be around the person who is causing the conflict, right? Well sometimes it is not that easy. The one child could desperately love the person of conflict. The person of conflict could be very closely involved in your life. What are some ways you would deal with this situation? Me? Well I am done.

   I am no longer going to sit and watch this destructive behavior happen. I will not watch my other three children be sad because they are not being chosen. It is not ok to ALWAYS choose one child over the others. It is not ok to buy a Disneyland pass for one child. It is not ok to treat my children like crap and then expect them to love you. You cannot do it anymore. I don't care if you don't like me but you are done with my kids until you learn how to love and treat them fairly. Grow up and try to be a better person because right now, you suck.

Beginning of Summer

We are officially on summer vacation! The kiddos ended the school year with straight A's, Medal of Honor awards, and perfect attendance (except Aiden missed 1 day due to ear infection). Overall a great school year. 

This weekend we had another soccer tournament, spent time with family, and made a trip to Disneyland. So far this summer is off to a good start. I am excited for this time I get with the kids.  

I am also giving myself a few goals this summer to try and accomplish. I want to read a few books, which I am open to suggestions, so please leave some. I want to open up my range in cooking, also open to suggestions. I need to figure out a better way to stay active and get a little healthier. Also with that I want to try to eat a little healthier. There are also a few organization goal I have and will probably post those as I do them. I know that this summer will have tons of mishaps and things that go badly, but I will do my best to make things work. 
This summer I really hope that we get a lot of family time in. There are some family members that I do have a hard time being around but I will try to work that out. I know that we will never be close or get along really well and I am fine with that. When we are together I do hope that everyone can try to contain their dirty looks and stupid comments, but we will see how that pans out.
I believe that everyone has a family member(s) that drive them crazy or cause them anxiety to be around. Sometimes talking to them about it works, sometimes it makes it worse. In my case I don't believe there is anything that can fix or strengthen our relationship. We see things to differently and will never be able to agree. My advice on dealing with difficult people is just to love them, but do not give them the ability to bring you down. Drop the expectations of change. Do not get discouraged by things that they say to you or maybe more often behind your back. Try to remember that there are some miserable people out there, and if you have to be around them or deal with them, do not let them tear you down. Misery loves company.
 Be happy. Be gracious. Be thankful. The higher road is always the more difficult to travel.

The Love of My Life

So many people use this phrase not knowing that another one might come along. I have used it when I shouldn't have and also in times where it was true. "The love of my life" just means that you have never in your life, up to that moment, loved a significant other more than you love that person. 
In high school, so many kids  young adults throw the word "love" around. Young women fall in live with everyone, so do many young men. I was victim to this stereotype. I thought I was in love with a boy that was very much in love with me. We were going to get married and be together forever. I didn't love him, I broke his heart. After that, I really fell in love. With all that I was, I loved so hard that I let me emotions get in the way and made some poor choices. I lost some friends and then I became pregnant. At first it was the worst thing that could happen but we were in love and we were going to raise a little family together. By the end of my pregnancy we were pretty happy and wanting to do this full force. We both had jobs and I was finishing school. Our weekends were spent at his house and the days during the week were spent at mine. Everything was going so perfectly that we decided to move together when our daughter was nine months old. That's when it changed. He was gone, I was tired, we were always mad at each other. The love faded and then I left. I moved far away from what I thought was my happily ever after. I took a year and a half to try to forget one to grow and work on myself. He would come visit every few months and his last visit left me with another baby on the way. I moved back home with my mom and tried to make it work. I thought I wanted it so badly. Shortly after being around him again, I realized I was wrong. I no longer wanted my life with him. 
Being a pregnant single mother was hard but after I had my second daughter, there was a guy. I know a lot of people think it was super quick but oh well. He loved my girls and was good to me. I fell for him quickly. It was sudden but welcomed. Within a few months that phrase came up again, he was the love of my life. Ten months into our relationship we were married.

 Now, seven years later, I can still say that about him. Each day that I wake up, I love him more than the day before. He has given me everything I could've  possibly dreamt of. We had two more children to complete our family. My girls are his girls and no one could tell him otherwise. I got lucky. I have never been happier than I am with him. He has been the part of me that I had no idea was missing. Yes, I was very much in love before, but it doesn't come close to the love I have now. I hope that when my girls are older, they get as lucky as I did. I hope they find that kind of love that makes all the past relationships pale in comparison. 
I am so glad I found my love. I am thankful he took a chance on an unsure bet. I am ecstatic that I am the love of his life. 

A little advice

This weekend was full of fun. We had a soccer tournament that was super close to home. Our team won 2nd place which was AWESOME!!

 Saturday we also had a mini BBQ with some family. Great weekend overall, but Friday started it off with something I don't do very often. Disneyland, four kids, and by myself. 

We go to Disneyland frequently due to us having passes but if I go alone I usually only take two or three of the kiddos. I almost never take Cambria by myself. Sometimes if I do have all four I will try to convince one of my fellow pass holders to go with me for help. Backpacks, sweaters, a stroller, and four little ones in a very hectic place make for a very clumsy, nervous mommy. Even though I was very skeptic on how the day was going to go I wanted to at least try this on my own. Everything went amazingly! My oldest helped with the stroller and all three older ones were fine with watching shows and doing the "baby" rides. 
During the trip we were stopped a few times by women asking if I was really at Disneyland by myself with four children. 
I knew that this trip was a big deal for me but had no clue it was for other women. I really feel that I owe it to my kids for making me look awesome. They are great kids and are very well behaved in public.
During a little down time this weekend I was on Pinterest and read a blog that had a post about being a mom of four. It was so funny and TRUE!  Here is the link for that one. I can relate to so many things she says. Being a mommy of four IS a lot of work, but it is so worth it for me. It is not a job for everyone, I will say there is always laundry, dirty dishes, and some sort of mess to clean. On the other side there is always hugs, smiles, and tons of love in my house. Here is some advice that I can give on having a house full of kids and keeping it as manageable as possible:

• Try and make a meal plan for a month at a time. Start by doing one week at a time, then continue to increase. This saves so much time and money. 
• Try not to do all your laundry in one day. I pick three mornings a week and that helps make it less stressful. 
• Remember that you need some time to yourself too. Try to schedule sleepovers and stuff at the same time so you can relax.
• Stick to your house rules. Don't sway from them, it will confuse your kiddos and make them want to test their boundaries later.
• Try to find time for little dates with your kids separately . It is amazing how different they are when they are on their own and not competing for attention. No need for day long dates, even just an hour alone with you at the grocery store can make all the difference.
• Remember that there is no perfect mom. You will make mistakes. Things will go wrong. RELAX.

I couldn't imagine my life without my little ones. Each one makes me a better person in some way. I owe everything to them for making me the person I am today.

Teen Mom

Not the show.... Me. I was a teen mom. 16 & pregnant, yep, that was me. I had Desi when I was just  17 years old. Her dad had just turned 18 and had graduated high school the spring before. Were we ready? No. Could we afford it? No. Was it planned? No. But we made it work. He didn't have a lot of support from family and neither did I. It was left to us to figure out. 
By no means do I think having to figure this out was a bad thing. I have never thought that I missed out on something. I made decisions that led me to being a teen mom. I decided to have sex. I decided to not follow up on the effects of taking antibiotics while on birth control. I decided to not have an abortion or put my baby up for adoption. These are decisions I made. I can not blame my childhood or circumstances for the way my life was going. Everyday since the day my daughter was born I have been dedicated.
I see many good mothers, many great mothers, but then there are some others. Everyday there is a mom on a social media site that is to busy with their own life to be bothered with the life they decided to create and to actively mother. It kills me to see children raised by aunts or grandparents out of obligation. I am glad that these kids have an adult that WANTS to raise them, but the damage it does to family ties are usually irreparable. Wake up women!! Our children grow up so fast, don't let them slip through your hands. Instead of spending two weekends in Vegas or Tuesdays and Thursdays at the bar and Fridays at the club, RAISE your children. Read to them, play with them, soak in every bit of these precious moments you have with them. I commend every birth mom that has given her child to a loving family. Awesome decision, if you are pregnant and do not believe that raising a child is an option for you, give it a loving home. Now, I know some women out there have babies and believe their partner is always going to be there and be the best dad anyone could hope for. Statistics show this isn't the case most of the time. Maybe the daddy didn't stick around or maybe he is a complete jerk, that doesn't mean you quit being the mom. Value this gift you have been given. You made grown up decisions, act on them. 
Please, for the sake of our future let's raise nurtured children. Let's be the moms these little miracles deserve.
 

Summer is coming!

This weekend gave me a headache. I had a night out on Friday which is kind of a rarity. Had some drinks (actually a lot) with one of my besties. Saturday we had super early soccer games and I had quite the hangover. This is not something I do a lot so it was difficult to get through the day. However, the games went well and so did the rest of the weekend. Today, we stayed in and had a little BBQ, it was a lovely weekend indeed (besides the headache).

The kids only have eight school days left, two of which they get out early. This school year went so fast and I find myself grasping at ways to keep my kiddos little. It is hard for me that Aiden is graduating kindergarten and that this next school year will mark Desi's last year in elementary school. That makes me SAD! All my little ones are growing up so fast. So, the goal of this summer is to have fun and spend a lot of time soaking in these moments with the kids. Disneyland will probably be our number one please this summer since we have passes. But I really want to try and do some individual dates with each kiddo, it is so fun to see them in separate settings. Hopefully we can get some museum, salon, library, zoo, park dates in this summer. Hope everyone had a great weekend! 

Here is a little gem from this Friday!

....And one from soccer.

And Cambria BBQing :)

In an instant... A year later.

A year ago I almost lost my mom. Some of you might remember the hell that was my life a year ago. But for those that don't, my mom had a massive tumor that was crushing all of her organs and was killing her from the inside out. A year ago was supposed to be her surgery date. She had a hard few months before trying to get to this date. She had been admitted to the hospital numerous times but this time was a week before her surgery date and everything looked promising. The day before her surgery she developed a fever and started throwing up blood. She went to get a scope to see where she was bleeding from during which she stopped breathing. She was then transferred to the ICU. She had severe pneumonia and was intubated. There would be no surgery and really seemed like there was no hope. I spent all the time that I was not at work with her. 
Most of the doctors that we saw told us there was no hope for her. She was to sick to have the surgery, and without the surgery she would not get better. That was it. 
During our last meeting with doctors, they gave us a chance. There was a good chance she would die during the surgery, she would definitely die without it, so we did it. 
She didn't die. She is better now. Some of her organs are still a little out of wack. But she didn't die.
I am thankful for everyday I have with her now. I am a lucky lady to have this second chance with her. Remember to love those close to you and those who are hardest to love. Most aren't as lucky as I was. 

Starbucks and Minivans

I woke up with a massive headache this morning, this has been happening the last few days. My Starbucks addiction was a little out of control so I cut it back to once or twice a week. In the meantime I make my coffee at home. Hopefully my super caffeine "withdrawal" headaches go away soon. I am having to drink almost a pot of coffee to feel normal! Anyways, today is Wednesday which means soccer practice. I love going to practice. In fact, I love everything that has to do with going to soccer. I never really thought I would be that kind of mom, but I have embraced it fully.
Last year in September we move about 35 minutes from the city we were used to. It was an adjustment at first. This town is small and the houses are spaced out and it takes effort to go to the stores and shopping. Two reasons we moved here was the yard, and the schools. The schools here are amazing and I was so happy to be able to give this opportunity to my kids. Desi had been signed up for soccer in our old city so since September I had been driving her the 35 minutes to practice every Monday and Wednesday, then games on Saturday. I was hopeing to be done by Feburary but she was asked to join the Spring Select team which does tournaments all spring and half the summer. It was a big honor for her, of course I had to say yes. Now here I am Mondays and Wednesdays driving, in my minivan taxi, the 35 miles for practice again. On most weekends we do tournaments which are in different cities each time. They are a blast, besides the fact they empty my wallet due to gas. Never the less, I love being a minivan driving, Starbucks sipping, soccer mom.
A year and a half ago we thought this might not be possible for Desi. She used to be a little sickling. She always had stomach issues and headaches and never felt very well. We went through countless tests and doctor visits trying to figure out what was wrong. We even tried doing six months of being gluten free because the doctor thought it may be celiac disease. Finally after what seemed like forever, we saw an allergy specialist to get her tested.

She was allergic to pretty much everything. She started getting shots twice a week for a year. Now, we only do once a week with no end in sight. She is a new kid now, none of the health issues. So while some people think I am crazy for doing all the driving and all the work that comes with being a full fledged soccer mom, I appreciate it. I will continue to sit and watch her, volunteer, drive, do snack duty, or be the treasure for the team. Knowing now that there was a chance she would never be able to do it, I will cherish every moment. So here is to five weekends in a row of tournaments, empty gas tanks, and probably very frequent visits to Starbucks!

Walking the line

I absolutely love my kiddos and being a mom. It is one of the greatest things, I believe, someone can do with their lives. My children will always have me to look out for them or if they need anything. I will always strive to be able to do whatever it is that they need. Whether that's putting a little more strain on my finances or giving them a little more space. I know as they get older it will be hard for me to let them go but that's what we do. We raise our children the best we can and hope that they can go out into the world and make some kind of positive impact. I am raising my daughters to be self sufficient women who by all means will be able to take care of themselves if they need to. I don't ever want my girls to feel they need to rely on someone. To be able to rely on someone is one thing but I don't want them to NEED to. I will raise my son to be a man who respects people and be the type of man someone could rely on if THEY need to. 

I will never make any of them feel bad for wanting a great education, even if that means I'll be broke and/or they will be far from me. There are some parents I know that hold their children back from becoming something greater by refusing to condone or by refusing to help financially. I wish they could realize the damage they do. 

I will never be so obsessed with my children's relationships that it interferes with them. When my children are grown and have adult relationships I will keep my nose out of it. If they need someone to talk to or lean on if things go badly, I will be there. I will not judge them for the type of person they decide to be with. I can't stand how some parents can not just mind their own business. They are so rapped up in their children's relationships that their kids start to resent or even dislike them for it. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!

Children and adults alike have to be able to make mistakes in life to be able to see what works and what doesn't. My children will know we love them and that we are there no matter what. I want them to feel they can come to us for anything. I will not enable my children. They will become responsible, respectful, self assured adults. I look forward to this in their future.

Hopefully the parents that are doing more damage than good, will see the way they are hurting their kids. Maybe one day some of these parents will start to grow up themselves......

Simple things

Yesterday was wonderful and today is shaping up to be just as good. I was able to actually clean the floors and get a little house work done. I did get some errands done in the morning and all the kids got out of school at different times due to field trips and such. So, a very productive morning which was followed by chicken enchiladas for dinner and all four kids in bed and asleep by 9! Cambria is usually a party animal at night and I sometimes can't get her down till midnight. I also got to spend my evening with one of my best friends drinking wine and chatting. It was a lovely evening. This morning has been just as great. The kids all woke up in great moods as did I. The Hubby went and got our bag of Panera bagels for the week then came home and made me breakfast. These are the mornings that I cherish. This weekend is going to be a long super busy one which makes me appreciate the quiet and calmness. The busyness will start very soon and in a way I look forward to it. The kiddos get out of school early today and will be off to a day at Disneyland with my in laws, Bria is spending the day with my mom, and I am going to help my bestie move/unpack in her new home. Tomorrow will start our fourth soccer tournament this season. I love these games! It is so much fun being able to my daughter do what she loves. It really does get intense for us parents though. It is crazy to see how rough these 10 year old little girls can be, plus it seems as though most of us parents are very competitive. So, here is to everyone having a great Friday! 

Mothering never ends

I started my mothering adventure early in life. I was 16 when I found out I was going to be a mom and 17 when she was born. I would say I took to it instantly. Maybe it's because I had no other choice, I didn't have anyone to really help me. Or it could be something that dated back years before. My mom and I have a great relationship right now, but it wasn't always like that. For the first 23 years or so of my life my mom, for lack of a better word, sucked. She was self absorbed and spent most of my life self medicating and being a complete reck. I can remember being very young worrying about things I had no business even knowing about. To add to the chaos I had two little brothers. I didn't want the burden of stress and worry to fall on them so I took it all. Tucking my mom in after a night of drinking to waking up in the morning and packing lunches and making sure the boys got to school. That's when the mothering started. Some of my family will claim that it was always there with me, ever since I was born. No matter when it did start, I love it. Taking care of people is what makes me happy. I love every second of it.
But where does it end?! When can I learn to back off a little? Where is the line on who to mother? Sure, I mother my children, and I still try to mother my brothers and my own mother. But sometimes the mothering seeps out to close friends or not even as close friends.....  I can't stop! I just feel like I have to watch out for everyone. I am trying to back off a little in certain situations but sometimes to no avail. Luckily most of the people closest to me accept and mostly embrace this about me. I honestly have some of the best people in my life. Maybe one day I will relax a little, maybe I won't. Maybe the key is just to not focus on things I can't do anything about. I will try to just pour out my love to those who need and want it. I will try to not stress out about little things. I will try.

Ornery...

Tuesdays are usually my clean up days. I do laundry, really clean the floors, clean kitchen and bathrooms. It's a busy day for me. Saturday- Monday are usually busy for us. We have tournaments, practices, church, family time, and sometimes some well needed down time where nothing gets done. 

Today Cambria has been especially ornery. She has been climbing up the bookshelf, coloring on everything, and just being rude to the other kids. People that don't know Bria usually think there is no way that this tiny cute little thing could be the brute of the group, but she really is. The worst thing is that it's hilarious. It is comical to see her be this way. Yes, I do get super frustrated and then she makes a cute little face. I am toast. 

So while I chase after her and try to contain the chaos, I am reminded of how I will miss these days. I will miss the colorings on my floor. I will miss the loudness of her chasing the others around. I will miss the days I can't be mad at her. I will miss all of this when she is older and wanting to be on her own. Even though some days I feel like I was hit by a bus, I know I will cherish every minute I had with her at this stage. My house might not get as clean as I would like but my heart is continuously filled to the brim with these moments.

Our Intro

    Hello! As some of you might know, I have had a blog before. It was kind of a sad blog with a happy ending. This is a different kind of blog as now I feel like a different kind of person. As a mom of four, I have a lot of funny things happen around me. I also have a lot of crazy, frustrating, debilitating things happen also. This is a blog for that. For me to rant about the things that mean the most to me. Now, time to introduce the crew.
    I am Nikole, a 27 year old stay at home mother of four. Yes, four children. First there is Desi, 10 years old, and she is my best friend. She is the most like me personality wise. She is super smart and quite the athlete. Aliyah ,7, is the heart of the group. She will do anything for anyone as long as it makes them happy. She is an artist with a soft nurturing soul. Aiden, 5, is my little man. He is the life of the crowd. He is a performer through and through. All boy but completely a momma's boy. And then there is Cambria, 2, the wild one. She is independent and free spirited. She does not take crap from anyone and holds her own in this busy little family. My husband, Rudy, is 30 and a wonderful man. He completes me in every way.
    I just recently became a stay at home mom(again) after working the last two and a half years. I am trying to work my way back into a routine with everything, but with four little ones it's not an easy task. We always have so many things going on that life tends to be hilariously hectic sometimes. My hope is to give some other people, parents or not, a little humor into the craziness that involves being a parent. Or maybe just a feeling of  "you're not alone". Hope you enjoy some of my crazy little rants :)