Stand not follow

    It has been sometime since I have posted anything which makes me sad. I am "here" now and will not be discouraged to express myself again. There have been things that I have posted on here or on other forms of social media that have caused a little stir with some people, which has made me cautious and has made me hold back on the way I feel. I am no longer going to worry about what I post as it is my right to express myself as long as I do so in a tactful manner. I do not believe that the things that I have said or posted were in any way directed at the people who have had the most to say about them. I do not force anyone to read my blog or be friends with me on any social media. No offense to anyone, but if what I say or post offends you, kindly unfriend or unfollow.

    This has been a hard road for me to get to a place where I do not feel that I need others approval. I wanted so much for everyone to like me and for everyone to be my friend. As I have gotten older and now have young ladies (and boy) I am shaping, I am finding myself explaining to them how not everyone will like them and how to deal with it. But here I am still coping with it today. How do I teach them to search inside and be happy with who they are and to be proud to stand up for what they believe, if I become to timid to do the same? I need to be the strong woman I know that I can be. 
    Loving people is something that can be very hard to do, especially for those who are hard to love. I am working everyday to love and pray for those that have wronged me and I am trying to teach my children to do the same. I know it will be tough for them as time goes, there will be plenty of hard to love people in their paths. it is so important for them to learn that loving someone does not mean that you have to be near them, just that you wish them nothing but the best no matter how they have hurt you. Pray for them everyday. Even if its hard, open your arms to them in their times of need.
    I do believe in standing up for yourself and the things that you believe in. It takes a certain strength to stand while others follow. I want my children to have convictions and strong hearts. My hope is that can always stand during the times they are beaten down. Never to go look to harm, yet never let harm beat them.
    This will be a long road, but with a full heart and a good sense of who I am, I will be able to walk with my head held high and my heart open. As a model to my children I hope they walk the same way down whichever roads they are given. We as parents are the first examples to our children, lets try to do it right. If we show them to love everyone especially themselves, half the battle is won.     

Its all uphill from here

    Sometimes your best laid plans don't pan out the way you had hoped. Sometimes they are better, other times they are so much worse. This has pretty much been the theme of my life. No matter how good or bad, each situation or choice has gotten me to the place I am today. For that I am eternally grateful. I love where my life has landed me. Nevertheless, there are still many more situations and decisions to work through.
    A major decision needs to be made soon. My older girls dad has returned after 7 months of being deployed in Afghanistan. Before he left there were many issues that needed to be resolved and I had those 7 months to reflect and decide what I want. My girls are getting older and it is harder to be a good parent in their eyes. To many people, him having the girls most weekends, paying child support, and helping supply needs and wants make him an awesome father. To a point, I agree. 
    To me the lines between great father and glorified babysitter are very blurred. When sitting watching TV together and buying them stuff is no longer enough, what do you do? What do I do as their mother? I had hoped that the time apart would make their relationship stronger, that he would have missed them so much that when he returned it would be hard to pry them apart. This has not been the case at all.  Now, it is time for me to decide to pouch the issue of keeping them with me more. Changing a visitation agreement is nothing that I want to have to go through in court, but it may be my only choice. He refuses to be cooperative with anything and I hate fighting childlike personalities.
    I want my girls to feel emotionally wanted. I want them to feel like they are appreciated. hopefully things get better. Hopefully things get easier. Heres to an uphill battle....
    I pray that I can keep a level head and not let anger or other emotions cloud my judgments during this process.

Blah

Blah, blah, blah.... That about sums up my last few weeks. There has been a lot going on and I feel the tension and stress building up. There are things I do to try and relieve some it like watching a favorite movie, reading, talking with friends, wine..... or writing about it. I have always kept diaries and journals. Writing has always been a release for me. Blogging has been my newest diary, I can put my feelings and worries out there and sometimes get feedback on what to do. Lately it feels as though my ability to vent has been compromised. And it's not just one person that feels what I write or post on other social media outlets is about them. I believe that a lot of it is due to the quality of our relationships with each other. 
Relationships will vary with everyone, that is guaranteed, but what do you do about ones that will never work? Egos get in the way, feeling get hurt, people overreact. IT HAPPENS! Sometimes the relationship even turns toxic, I try to keep my distance from those. My mother and I had a very toxic relationship for a long time, and some of the damage that happened is irreversible. There will always be trust issues. The damage in some of my other relationships is also very irreversible. The best we can do is suck it up and deal with it one day at a time. 
I am not going to change who I am or the things that I believe in. I have been through too much in my life to be put down and muzzled. I am sorry for the way others end up involved but I will not apol
ogize for my feelings.  Hopefully one day there will be a way for all of us to deal with these situations at hand. I can only pray.

Co-Parenting

It has been a few days since my last post, mostly because I received a little heat for the topic. Oh well, move on. This post isn't nearly as angry, I promise. 
Co-Parenting is something I deal with everyday. My oldest two kiddos were fathered by my "high school sweetheart". We were super young and dumb but we made this work. Since the day I found out I was pregnant with my oldest, her dad has been pretty much all in. He was a great dad while we were together and made amazing efforts when we decided we didn't work well as a couple. When our second daughter was born things were a little more complicated but he still put in a strong effort to be a part of their lives. For the last 7 years he has had the girls three weekends a month and pays child support without a problem. We get along and for the most part have no problems between us.
Now I can not sit here and say things are all roses and sunshine. We have had a good amount of arguments or disagreements. All I can do is offer the little bit of of information on how we make our relationship work.

• Don't talk badly about the other parent in front of your children. This confuses them and makes them feel like they have to pick a side. They should be able to turn to both of you and feel that no matter who they turn to things will be alright.
• Try and agree on some rules for both houses. If your co-parent doesn't allow sodas then try to do the same at your house. This provides a sense of unity and stability in an otherwise chaotic situation.
• Talk to each other. Tell your co-parent about highlights from the week and exciting things that happened at school. Make sure they are aware of school events they can attend. 
• Do not fight in front of the kids! Save it for another time. Meet up for lunch or coffee or make your frustrated phone calls after the little ones are in bed. If they are around the fighting they will feel pulled in two. They will start to feel as if they are the reason that you two are fighting. Don't do that to your babies.

There are plenty of little things you two will have to work out, little kinks that only you two will have. For the sake of your children try to put away the emotional turmoil that has been built between you. Everyone's situation is different and I am not saying it is going to be easy. But try, try for your children to be friends with their other parent. The only ones who truly suffer from a bad co-parenting relationship are the children. Try to make it work in the best way possible for all off you.