Stand not follow

    It has been sometime since I have posted anything which makes me sad. I am "here" now and will not be discouraged to express myself again. There have been things that I have posted on here or on other forms of social media that have caused a little stir with some people, which has made me cautious and has made me hold back on the way I feel. I am no longer going to worry about what I post as it is my right to express myself as long as I do so in a tactful manner. I do not believe that the things that I have said or posted were in any way directed at the people who have had the most to say about them. I do not force anyone to read my blog or be friends with me on any social media. No offense to anyone, but if what I say or post offends you, kindly unfriend or unfollow.

    This has been a hard road for me to get to a place where I do not feel that I need others approval. I wanted so much for everyone to like me and for everyone to be my friend. As I have gotten older and now have young ladies (and boy) I am shaping, I am finding myself explaining to them how not everyone will like them and how to deal with it. But here I am still coping with it today. How do I teach them to search inside and be happy with who they are and to be proud to stand up for what they believe, if I become to timid to do the same? I need to be the strong woman I know that I can be. 
    Loving people is something that can be very hard to do, especially for those who are hard to love. I am working everyday to love and pray for those that have wronged me and I am trying to teach my children to do the same. I know it will be tough for them as time goes, there will be plenty of hard to love people in their paths. it is so important for them to learn that loving someone does not mean that you have to be near them, just that you wish them nothing but the best no matter how they have hurt you. Pray for them everyday. Even if its hard, open your arms to them in their times of need.
    I do believe in standing up for yourself and the things that you believe in. It takes a certain strength to stand while others follow. I want my children to have convictions and strong hearts. My hope is that can always stand during the times they are beaten down. Never to go look to harm, yet never let harm beat them.
    This will be a long road, but with a full heart and a good sense of who I am, I will be able to walk with my head held high and my heart open. As a model to my children I hope they walk the same way down whichever roads they are given. We as parents are the first examples to our children, lets try to do it right. If we show them to love everyone especially themselves, half the battle is won.     

Its all uphill from here

    Sometimes your best laid plans don't pan out the way you had hoped. Sometimes they are better, other times they are so much worse. This has pretty much been the theme of my life. No matter how good or bad, each situation or choice has gotten me to the place I am today. For that I am eternally grateful. I love where my life has landed me. Nevertheless, there are still many more situations and decisions to work through.
    A major decision needs to be made soon. My older girls dad has returned after 7 months of being deployed in Afghanistan. Before he left there were many issues that needed to be resolved and I had those 7 months to reflect and decide what I want. My girls are getting older and it is harder to be a good parent in their eyes. To many people, him having the girls most weekends, paying child support, and helping supply needs and wants make him an awesome father. To a point, I agree. 
    To me the lines between great father and glorified babysitter are very blurred. When sitting watching TV together and buying them stuff is no longer enough, what do you do? What do I do as their mother? I had hoped that the time apart would make their relationship stronger, that he would have missed them so much that when he returned it would be hard to pry them apart. This has not been the case at all.  Now, it is time for me to decide to pouch the issue of keeping them with me more. Changing a visitation agreement is nothing that I want to have to go through in court, but it may be my only choice. He refuses to be cooperative with anything and I hate fighting childlike personalities.
    I want my girls to feel emotionally wanted. I want them to feel like they are appreciated. hopefully things get better. Hopefully things get easier. Heres to an uphill battle....
    I pray that I can keep a level head and not let anger or other emotions cloud my judgments during this process.

Is it enough?

    Raising children is difficult. It can be the most trying thing at times. As hard and tiring as it is, there is nothing I want to do more. Being the person I am, I worry constantly. I always am wondering what I can do to help my children in the right path without becoming over barring. As their mother I believe that I should be able to have a say in who they are with and what they do, within reason. I don't expect to dictate their personal relationships when they are older. But seeing as they are all still children, I do have the right to make my opinion known. 
    Co Parenting is hard. It is hard to have different rules and values and expect the children to navigate which to choose and which to disregard. My girls are getting older and are starting to realize the differences in their full time home (mine) and their weekend home (their dad). The past five and a half months they girls have been with me only while their dad is in Afghanistan. My oldest has been doing a little soul searching during this time it seems. She has become angry with her dad and not looking forward to his return. I am not sure how to approach her with the subject. She has suggested changing his visitations when he returns and I probably will. 
    How do you force your child to go somewhere she doesn't want to be? In my opinion, you don't. Our other daughter does not have theses feelings and is truly excited that her father will be back in a little over a month. I am hoping that things go smoothly but I am very cautious. He has made poor choices with them and has let other influences take the front seat. He has brought less than favorable people into their lives and that makes me extremely nervous. 
    As their mom, I only want the best, most outstanding people involved in their lives. I want them to have amazing examples of women to strive to be like. I can only pray that as these next few crucial years pass, that my girls choose the right path. I can only pray that I find a balance with their father. I have to try and trust that I am doing a great job with them and they will not seek to many outside influences.  

Friendships

Another two weeks go by... Well there isn't a lot of exciting things going on right now. At first that was great, I really thought that I needed a calm few weeks before school starts again (21 more days). But honestly I am going crazy! Sure we have made a few visits to Disneyland, but other then that there has been nothing. My kids don't seem to mind nearly as much as I do. Today, ALL four of my kiddos are gone and I am a little stir crazy. Hopefully going out to dinner with one of my closest friends will get me out of this funk. This Saturday I am going to a girls lunch thing with some of my oldest friends. It usually last all day and most of the night, so I am really looking forward to that time with other adult women.

For me, friendships have been hard to maintain. Ever since I was young I have had a hard time opening up to people and letting my guard down. There was always something that I was hiding from everyone, mostly my mother. Almost all my friends in grade school had stable families and mine wasn't like that. I was embarrassed. As I got a little older I became even more guarded. Then being a pregnant teen, I lost most of the people I thought were close friends. There are a few girls that I still talk to from that part in my life and I cherish each one of them. After having Desi I moved out of state and had no one really. Quickly there were all these girls that accepted me with all my faults. The friends I mad while I was living in Oregon are some of my most valued. We don't talk very often, but I truly believe that those women would do anything for me and I the same for them. Ladies, you know who you are :)

Now that I have been back here for quite some time and my marriage is in a super steady place, I have found the need for close friend relationships like the ones you see in the TV shows.... I have Rachel, my oldest closest friend. We went to Kindergarten together then met again in 6th grade. We weren't best friends right off the bat but quickly that changed. High school years were a little hard for us cause we were so wrapped up in boyfriends and such. But when she became pregnant a few months after me our relationship took a turn for the unbreakable kind. We are so different but yet so similar. I am glad to call her my best friend and my sister. Vero, is my other bestie. She keeps me young and gives me the satisfaction of being the "older sister".

She is actually my ex's baby sister. It took awhile for us to become the way we are now (probably because of the age gap) but I don't know what I would do without her. She is also the Godmother to ALL four of the kiddos.

This Saturday ladies lunch will hopefully continue so that I can build a better relationship with these woman that I was friends with in grade school.  The sense of camaraderie is something that I look forward to!

Well have a good weekend, and remember to love and cherish those you are close to!!

A needed calm

It has been almost two weeks since I posted last! Oops! There has been quite a bit going on lately, I guess. Baby showers, weddings, soccer tournaments, holidays, a bit of sickness. Things are much calmer now but for me it is a bit antagonizing. I am so used to the busyness that when I finally do come to a halt, it hits hard. Yesterday and today have not had any major accomplishments. Food was made, kids were bathed, some laundry was done.... but that's about it. No deep cleaning or mopping of floors or art projects. The living room and I are best friends at the moment while I am still trying to fight off this head/chest cold that has been haunting me for the last week. My mind has been racing with thing I need to do but my body has won that disagreement. I need to stop and rest, I know that, but it's so hard.
School starts again in 35 days. I will have a 5th, 3rd, and 1st grader in school from 8:00 am until 2:00 pm. It is great that they will all be there the same times and I won't have to be running back and forth like I did while I had one in Kinder. I am happy for the school year to start, not because I want to kids to leave, but because they enjoy it so much. They love having their separate friends and the chance to be individuals, which is hard here at home for them. There are a few things I am a little worried/sad about when school starts. One, Cambria, she is going to have a hard time with her siblings being gone all morning. I am sure she will come to appreciate the alone time with mommy and with the toys she wants to play with. Second, Desi, this is her last year of elementary school.
This time next year I will be getting my little girl ready for middle school. I don't know if I am ready for that! I remember the challenges that middle school brought and I am worried I won't be enough to help her when some of those challenges arise. Boys, clothes, mean girls.... ugh. Not looking forward to it at all. All the preteen things that we are already dealing with are just the tip of the iceberg. Luckily, she is an awesome kid with no serious attitude problems. Other than getting a little emotional and a slight raising of her voice with certain subjects, we see eye to eye and work out any discrepancies calmly and quietly. I love her to death and couldn't have been blessed with a more perfect first child. Sometimes I think she has made it to easy for me.
So, here is to the next 35 days. Hopefully this calm time will be good for everyone. I believe we all kind of need it.

Blah

Blah, blah, blah.... That about sums up my last few weeks. There has been a lot going on and I feel the tension and stress building up. There are things I do to try and relieve some it like watching a favorite movie, reading, talking with friends, wine..... or writing about it. I have always kept diaries and journals. Writing has always been a release for me. Blogging has been my newest diary, I can put my feelings and worries out there and sometimes get feedback on what to do. Lately it feels as though my ability to vent has been compromised. And it's not just one person that feels what I write or post on other social media outlets is about them. I believe that a lot of it is due to the quality of our relationships with each other. 
Relationships will vary with everyone, that is guaranteed, but what do you do about ones that will never work? Egos get in the way, feeling get hurt, people overreact. IT HAPPENS! Sometimes the relationship even turns toxic, I try to keep my distance from those. My mother and I had a very toxic relationship for a long time, and some of the damage that happened is irreversible. There will always be trust issues. The damage in some of my other relationships is also very irreversible. The best we can do is suck it up and deal with it one day at a time. 
I am not going to change who I am or the things that I believe in. I have been through too much in my life to be put down and muzzled. I am sorry for the way others end up involved but I will not apol
ogize for my feelings.  Hopefully one day there will be a way for all of us to deal with these situations at hand. I can only pray.