New Year, New everything

   This last year was a bit of a tough one for most of the people I know. There were so many things lost but yet a lot of "light at the end of the tunnel" moments as well. The people we lost this year are dearly missed and the new additions are greatly cherished. Death and loss really make people wake up, sometimes. Then there are some who are just consumed by grief. All I can do is pray that these people find peace and hope that they remember to love those who are still here and want to help.

That being said, Happy New Year!! The new year always brings out the best in people. At least for a while. Hopefully it brings out the best in all of you. This year is already shaping up to be a busy one for us. Desi was accepted onto the Spring Select team for soccer, which means long practices and weekend long tournaments. She will also have marching band performances at Knotts, Disneyland, and tons of others. Des has been blossoming in Middle School and I could not be prouder! She finished her first semester with straight A's which was no easy feat. Aliyah is top of her class with straight A's as well as Aiden! Proud momma here :) Cambria will be starting Preschool this year, crazy... Not sure I am ready for this. 

     I expect this year to be a tough one for parenting. Desi has been a pretty awesome preteen so far, but you never know what is around the corner. The never-ending task of coparenting with the girls father has taken a turn towards a very tough uphill battle and this may very well be the year it explodes. People change, sometimes not for the better, its a lesson the girls are learning very closely right now. Lets just hope for the best.

    

    Now, on to a happier note, my dad is here for a few days and I am over the moon about it. He is staying with us and we are even doing a Disneyland day! 

     Here is to a New Year! To New Beginnings! To New Friends! To Old Friends! To Lots of Coffee! To Lots of Disney!

    

                                 

Stand not follow

    It has been sometime since I have posted anything which makes me sad. I am "here" now and will not be discouraged to express myself again. There have been things that I have posted on here or on other forms of social media that have caused a little stir with some people, which has made me cautious and has made me hold back on the way I feel. I am no longer going to worry about what I post as it is my right to express myself as long as I do so in a tactful manner. I do not believe that the things that I have said or posted were in any way directed at the people who have had the most to say about them. I do not force anyone to read my blog or be friends with me on any social media. No offense to anyone, but if what I say or post offends you, kindly unfriend or unfollow.

    This has been a hard road for me to get to a place where I do not feel that I need others approval. I wanted so much for everyone to like me and for everyone to be my friend. As I have gotten older and now have young ladies (and boy) I am shaping, I am finding myself explaining to them how not everyone will like them and how to deal with it. But here I am still coping with it today. How do I teach them to search inside and be happy with who they are and to be proud to stand up for what they believe, if I become to timid to do the same? I need to be the strong woman I know that I can be. 
    Loving people is something that can be very hard to do, especially for those who are hard to love. I am working everyday to love and pray for those that have wronged me and I am trying to teach my children to do the same. I know it will be tough for them as time goes, there will be plenty of hard to love people in their paths. it is so important for them to learn that loving someone does not mean that you have to be near them, just that you wish them nothing but the best no matter how they have hurt you. Pray for them everyday. Even if its hard, open your arms to them in their times of need.
    I do believe in standing up for yourself and the things that you believe in. It takes a certain strength to stand while others follow. I want my children to have convictions and strong hearts. My hope is that can always stand during the times they are beaten down. Never to go look to harm, yet never let harm beat them.
    This will be a long road, but with a full heart and a good sense of who I am, I will be able to walk with my head held high and my heart open. As a model to my children I hope they walk the same way down whichever roads they are given. We as parents are the first examples to our children, lets try to do it right. If we show them to love everyone especially themselves, half the battle is won.     

I will try....

    As much as I would like for this to be a fun upbeat post, it is not. There is not much happiness floating around in my family right now. Just a few days ago my family lost a great man. He was one of the most loving, generous people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was always there for anyone at anytime. My Uncle John had been battling cancer for seven months and though there were real times of progress and hope, he lost his battle. 
    Grief is not something that can be overcome simply. Most cannot just wake up one day and say "I am not going to be sad today" and it actually work. You can go all day not breaking down and a simple thing like a piece of celery can set off a world of pain. A pain so deep that you feel like it is damaging every bone in your body. Outsiders don't know what to do. They joke or bring food or do anything to try and take your mind off of the fact that your whole life is now off track and going somewhere you had not seen coming.
    As an "outsider" I am having a terrible case of the "let me help"s. Yes, I lost an uncle, but the pain and torment that my Aunt and cousins are going though is what kills me. I want to be there so bad, but what can I do? Nothing is going to take the hurt and pain away. I know that they have to have this grief, they have to be able to be mad or sad. This is their grief, we have to let them have it. However long it takes I promise to be there for them in any shape or form, as I know they would for me. I pray for my family in this time of pain. I pray that they know that they have people here for them. I pray that they know that they did everything they could have done and not feel guilt over Gods plan. 
    Maybe there will be a day where they will feel they can breathe without the sharp pain. Maybe it will take a very long time for us to make sense of why now? Maybe we will be able to rejoice while remembering his huge heart and loving smile. Maybe we can all strive to be like him in some sense. I know I will. 
    I will try to be a person that helps without thinking. I will try to be a person that gives whatever I can. I will try to teach my children the same values. I will try to smile when I think of him. 
    I will be there for my family.
          I love you, Uncle John. Thank you.... for everything.

Its all uphill from here

    Sometimes your best laid plans don't pan out the way you had hoped. Sometimes they are better, other times they are so much worse. This has pretty much been the theme of my life. No matter how good or bad, each situation or choice has gotten me to the place I am today. For that I am eternally grateful. I love where my life has landed me. Nevertheless, there are still many more situations and decisions to work through.
    A major decision needs to be made soon. My older girls dad has returned after 7 months of being deployed in Afghanistan. Before he left there were many issues that needed to be resolved and I had those 7 months to reflect and decide what I want. My girls are getting older and it is harder to be a good parent in their eyes. To many people, him having the girls most weekends, paying child support, and helping supply needs and wants make him an awesome father. To a point, I agree. 
    To me the lines between great father and glorified babysitter are very blurred. When sitting watching TV together and buying them stuff is no longer enough, what do you do? What do I do as their mother? I had hoped that the time apart would make their relationship stronger, that he would have missed them so much that when he returned it would be hard to pry them apart. This has not been the case at all.  Now, it is time for me to decide to pouch the issue of keeping them with me more. Changing a visitation agreement is nothing that I want to have to go through in court, but it may be my only choice. He refuses to be cooperative with anything and I hate fighting childlike personalities.
    I want my girls to feel emotionally wanted. I want them to feel like they are appreciated. hopefully things get better. Hopefully things get easier. Heres to an uphill battle....
    I pray that I can keep a level head and not let anger or other emotions cloud my judgments during this process.

Blah

Blah, blah, blah.... That about sums up my last few weeks. There has been a lot going on and I feel the tension and stress building up. There are things I do to try and relieve some it like watching a favorite movie, reading, talking with friends, wine..... or writing about it. I have always kept diaries and journals. Writing has always been a release for me. Blogging has been my newest diary, I can put my feelings and worries out there and sometimes get feedback on what to do. Lately it feels as though my ability to vent has been compromised. And it's not just one person that feels what I write or post on other social media outlets is about them. I believe that a lot of it is due to the quality of our relationships with each other. 
Relationships will vary with everyone, that is guaranteed, but what do you do about ones that will never work? Egos get in the way, feeling get hurt, people overreact. IT HAPPENS! Sometimes the relationship even turns toxic, I try to keep my distance from those. My mother and I had a very toxic relationship for a long time, and some of the damage that happened is irreversible. There will always be trust issues. The damage in some of my other relationships is also very irreversible. The best we can do is suck it up and deal with it one day at a time. 
I am not going to change who I am or the things that I believe in. I have been through too much in my life to be put down and muzzled. I am sorry for the way others end up involved but I will not apol
ogize for my feelings.  Hopefully one day there will be a way for all of us to deal with these situations at hand. I can only pray.