I will try....

    As much as I would like for this to be a fun upbeat post, it is not. There is not much happiness floating around in my family right now. Just a few days ago my family lost a great man. He was one of the most loving, generous people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was always there for anyone at anytime. My Uncle John had been battling cancer for seven months and though there were real times of progress and hope, he lost his battle. 
    Grief is not something that can be overcome simply. Most cannot just wake up one day and say "I am not going to be sad today" and it actually work. You can go all day not breaking down and a simple thing like a piece of celery can set off a world of pain. A pain so deep that you feel like it is damaging every bone in your body. Outsiders don't know what to do. They joke or bring food or do anything to try and take your mind off of the fact that your whole life is now off track and going somewhere you had not seen coming.
    As an "outsider" I am having a terrible case of the "let me help"s. Yes, I lost an uncle, but the pain and torment that my Aunt and cousins are going though is what kills me. I want to be there so bad, but what can I do? Nothing is going to take the hurt and pain away. I know that they have to have this grief, they have to be able to be mad or sad. This is their grief, we have to let them have it. However long it takes I promise to be there for them in any shape or form, as I know they would for me. I pray for my family in this time of pain. I pray that they know that they have people here for them. I pray that they know that they did everything they could have done and not feel guilt over Gods plan. 
    Maybe there will be a day where they will feel they can breathe without the sharp pain. Maybe it will take a very long time for us to make sense of why now? Maybe we will be able to rejoice while remembering his huge heart and loving smile. Maybe we can all strive to be like him in some sense. I know I will. 
    I will try to be a person that helps without thinking. I will try to be a person that gives whatever I can. I will try to teach my children the same values. I will try to smile when I think of him. 
    I will be there for my family.
          I love you, Uncle John. Thank you.... for everything.

Its all uphill from here

    Sometimes your best laid plans don't pan out the way you had hoped. Sometimes they are better, other times they are so much worse. This has pretty much been the theme of my life. No matter how good or bad, each situation or choice has gotten me to the place I am today. For that I am eternally grateful. I love where my life has landed me. Nevertheless, there are still many more situations and decisions to work through.
    A major decision needs to be made soon. My older girls dad has returned after 7 months of being deployed in Afghanistan. Before he left there were many issues that needed to be resolved and I had those 7 months to reflect and decide what I want. My girls are getting older and it is harder to be a good parent in their eyes. To many people, him having the girls most weekends, paying child support, and helping supply needs and wants make him an awesome father. To a point, I agree. 
    To me the lines between great father and glorified babysitter are very blurred. When sitting watching TV together and buying them stuff is no longer enough, what do you do? What do I do as their mother? I had hoped that the time apart would make their relationship stronger, that he would have missed them so much that when he returned it would be hard to pry them apart. This has not been the case at all.  Now, it is time for me to decide to pouch the issue of keeping them with me more. Changing a visitation agreement is nothing that I want to have to go through in court, but it may be my only choice. He refuses to be cooperative with anything and I hate fighting childlike personalities.
    I want my girls to feel emotionally wanted. I want them to feel like they are appreciated. hopefully things get better. Hopefully things get easier. Heres to an uphill battle....
    I pray that I can keep a level head and not let anger or other emotions cloud my judgments during this process.

Is it enough?

    Raising children is difficult. It can be the most trying thing at times. As hard and tiring as it is, there is nothing I want to do more. Being the person I am, I worry constantly. I always am wondering what I can do to help my children in the right path without becoming over barring. As their mother I believe that I should be able to have a say in who they are with and what they do, within reason. I don't expect to dictate their personal relationships when they are older. But seeing as they are all still children, I do have the right to make my opinion known. 
    Co Parenting is hard. It is hard to have different rules and values and expect the children to navigate which to choose and which to disregard. My girls are getting older and are starting to realize the differences in their full time home (mine) and their weekend home (their dad). The past five and a half months they girls have been with me only while their dad is in Afghanistan. My oldest has been doing a little soul searching during this time it seems. She has become angry with her dad and not looking forward to his return. I am not sure how to approach her with the subject. She has suggested changing his visitations when he returns and I probably will. 
    How do you force your child to go somewhere she doesn't want to be? In my opinion, you don't. Our other daughter does not have theses feelings and is truly excited that her father will be back in a little over a month. I am hoping that things go smoothly but I am very cautious. He has made poor choices with them and has let other influences take the front seat. He has brought less than favorable people into their lives and that makes me extremely nervous. 
    As their mom, I only want the best, most outstanding people involved in their lives. I want them to have amazing examples of women to strive to be like. I can only pray that as these next few crucial years pass, that my girls choose the right path. I can only pray that I find a balance with their father. I have to try and trust that I am doing a great job with them and they will not seek to many outside influences.  

Let's get started!

    A new year is here! I kind of took the last few months off because of the craziness that holidays are. Everything went a lot smoother than I had expected. There was no fighting, kids got everything they wanted, and I was not as stressed as I had been. 
    The kids are still on winter break for another week, which is a long time. They have gotten a little stir crazy. Everything has been on break, we don't have soccer, band, chess, or boy scouts. Luckily, this weekend we sent the kids with grandparents and aunts so that they could have a break from each other. I can't wait to be back on a schedule and have the chaos back, it has been to quiet.
    New Years often brings on everyones resolutions and statuses about how they are going to be better or healthier people. I am not one of those people. I believe if there is something you are going to change then you will, regardless of what day it is. 
    Hopefully everyone has the year they want to have or better. I for one, am excited for this year and the changes that will be happening. 

Checking in

    There hasn't been a lot to post about that is any different from the other posts. Still working on schedules, birthdays are coming, and holidays scare me.

    Aiden is going to be six in two weeks and that makes my heart sad. He is my only little guy an is probably the most loving out of the bunch. I only have a few more years to enjoy his innocent heart. 

    Holidays terrify me. Between my husband and me, there are so much family and gatherings we are supposed to be attending. The last two years we have kinda canceled Christmas with local family and drove to meet my traveling dad in random cities. That was a lot of fun. My husband still says our Christmas in a hotel in Oakland was one of his favorite ever. This year we are stick to the same old stuff, I think. Thanksgiving will be a treat though. My dad and other mom will be here! I am so excited about this. Now, the dilemma is to decorate or not. Usually I am not one for decor or anything, it's hard enough to get me to put up pictures on the wall. Hopefully I will get a small urge to make the house "Fall Cozy", but only time will tell. If I do, there will be pictures!  

    Here is to hoping things go smoothly and that I don't pull out my hair by New Years. 

    

Tuesday's Resting Hour

    On Tuesdays I have about and hour completely to myself. Cambria now goes to a grandparents on Tuesdays when the hubby goes to work. It really helps a lot while I juggle picking up from band, taking to soccer, and Cub Scout meetings. Any of you reading that have the blessing of four children know that if you are missing just one it is a completely different dynamic. So, before I go pick up the others from school, I have a chance to catch up :)
    Last week was very hectic. Monday started lovely, I was even thinking that I might have to whole day to relax and do nothing but basic mommy duties. Then I got the call from school just 30 minutes before they were supposed to get out. My little guy was injured. Someone dropped a rock(small boulder) on his finger. The momma bear in me wanted to go find that boy and drop a rock on him! Aiden is one of the most gentle loving kids I know, and it broke my heart to see him in so much pain. We spent the evening in the hospital getting X-rays and getting his pinky cleaned and wrapped. Not broken, but the whole nail was popped off. He is doing ok now, "just hurts a little" he says. 

    Tuesday was the normal, cub scouts and soccer. Desi had a game instead of practice and they won 4-0. (Saturday we won 6-1) It's a great team this year! 

Thursday the girls had a dentist appointment and we found out Aliyah had chipped a tooth and needed a root canal... But as they numbed her as much as they possibly could, she was still feeling it and they realized it was to infected. So by the time we were done there and done filling prescriptions and done visiting with my mom, I was just done. Friday was normal soccer and Saturday we went to the fair! The fair was fun, the kids all enjoyed it and as we were walking a lady stopped us and asked if she could give the kids free tickets to the concert there that night. So, the kids got to see Zendaya, who was on dancing with the stars and  is on Shake it Up, a show the kids love! 

    Busy as always, delightful none the less. 

      So I leave you with a few tips

• Always carry your kids medical cards with you (or at least the number)
• Carry first aid kit (with gauze)
• If you need help with other children, ASK!
• Keep snacks in your car
• Accept that a well planned week may blow up in your face at any given time
• Relax and enjoy the ride

What's direction?!

    Another few weeks go by.... Well, we have had two birthdays since I was on last. Aliyah turned eight and I turned twenty-eight. It was good birthday fun all around. I remember a time where my birthday was important or a big deal to me, but it just really isn't anymore. Aliyah's is two days after so hers takes precedence. 

We had a lovely time this weekend, soccer and Disneyland on Saturday, little get together on Sunday. 
    Soccer was great! 

Desi's team, the Ding-Dongs, won their first game 7-1! Desi made one goal and assisted with three others. She is so happy to be doing what she loves again! Desi has also joined bad this year and will be playing trumpet. Her schedule is filling up quickly, Mon-Fri she has school 8am-2pm; Tue- band 2:15-3:30pm, Soccer 5:30-6:30pm; Thur- band 8:15-9:30am, Chess Club 2:05-3:30pm; Fri- Soccer 5:30-6:30. Then to top it off we have games every Saturday. Busy Desi, busy mom. With Aliyah and Aiden we have Cub Scouts most Tuesdays 6:00-7:00pm, Student Leadership Wednesdays 2:00-3:00pm, and Art class on Saturday mornings 10:20-11:00am.
    Yes, I am exhausted. I have close to no energy, but the kids are happy and that makes me happy. Hopefully they all stick with what they have chosen to do, but only time will tell. I am going to make an effort to have more informative posts. What are things YOU want to know about? What do YOU as readers want hear? I would love feedback and maybe point this blog in a direction! Thanks for reading!!